When in Despair

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Hello, and welcome to The Overflow

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Podcast. My name’s Craig Booker. The title

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of this episode is When in Despair. The

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material in this episode is inspired by

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Seen by Will Hutcherson & Chinwé Williams.

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Note: I will talk a lot about mental

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health, but please note this is not a

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substitute for therapy or mental health

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care. The title of this episode is When in

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Despair. This week we are talking about

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despair. What despair is, um some of the

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science behind it, and so if you don’t

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have the book where you’re following

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along, hopefully this gives you enough

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context um to understand where this

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chapter is coming

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from. So he starts off talking about the

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brain. And he’s saying that the brain is

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made up of two hemispheres and

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essentially two different functions. He

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say of course it’s made up of more but

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for our case this is kind of we’re we’re

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simplifying it we’re talking about these

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two essential functions of of the brain

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the left brain the right brain and so he

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starts out talking about the right brain

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and to help us understand you know

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better understand um kids and the

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challenges that you’re facing and when

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they’re in Despair and this also applies

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to adults but obviously this material is

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written for kids or teens so we’ll we’ll

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take it and apply it where we can but it

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says the r brain is responsible for

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emotional processing

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so uh in the book uh believe this is

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Will speaking he says this is where the

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amydala processes fear and other

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emotions that activate fight flight or

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freeze during stressful or dangerous

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situations it’s also the part of the

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brain affected by parent child

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attachment and he says we’ll talk about

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more on that later and then he goes into

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the left brain the left brain is

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responsible for our logical processing

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and he says that the left side of the

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brain is responsible for logical

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processing this is the part of the brain

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where one’s ability to plan and

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organized takes

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place all right so when our brains are

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calm if we think about this process when

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our brains are calm the left brain or

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our logical brain is able to be its

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logical self and when we’re

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upset um the emotional right brain tends

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to take over and we react based on our

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emot tions or we can and this is true

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for anyone who has experienced trauma or

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as an insecure parent child

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attachment he says with a healthy brain

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the process goes back and forth between

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the emotional right brain and The

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Logical left brain and we were designed

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by God with a lot of emotions we’re

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created with the ability to pass them

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over to cognitive processing

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all right so he says our emotions are

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real but we have the ability to consider

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them logically and determine whether or

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not what we feel is actually

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true so in the book they give this

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diagram of the brain and um so you know

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it shows the two hemispheres it shows

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some arrows like going back and forth

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between the two

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hemispheres and it shows the left being

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labeled as logical it shows the right

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being labeled as emotional and at the

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bottom it says healthy and a healthy

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brain is constantly passing it back and

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forth right so as we experience things

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we maybe experience it in the right side

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in our emotional side and then we’re

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passing it to The Logical side for

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processing and so it just gives this

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diagram of what a healthy brain would

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look

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like and uh so they give an example in

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the book and it says or will says if I

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hear a loud bang followed by the sound

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of shattering glass I’m Instinct

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instinctively going to be startled my

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heart rate will rise because of my fight

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flight or freeze response has been

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triggered on the right side of my brain

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but let’s say I stop and look around I’m

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investigating log Le and discover that a

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picture has fallen off the wall

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immediately I take a deep breath and my

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stress begins to

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subside healthy functioning means we’re

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able to deal with our emotions properly

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the problem is when we can’t logically

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process our emotions something else

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takes place that something is

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despair he’s given us this picture of

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what a healthy brain looks like he’s

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also described what happens when our our

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brains aren’t able to pass that

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emotional response off to the logical

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left brain side and when that happens

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he’s talking about that’s that’s when

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despair happens and they they ask the

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question what is Despair and he says the

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Bible a text full of descriptions of

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authentic and raw emotions references

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the word despair here frequently we

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counted 28

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instances Psalms 69:20 of the

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NLT it says their insults have broken my

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heart and I am in despair if only one

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person would show some pity if only one

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would turn and comfort me will goes on

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to talk about he says despair is what

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someone feels when they become hopeless

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and disconnected from their from their

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emotional state psychologist Mark

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goulston describes despair as a

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dising when two halves of the brain

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begin to separate this process is called

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emotional Detachment he shows here’s

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what despairing looks like in the

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brain and they show again a very similar

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picture of the two hemispheres of the

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brain um one is I I would guess the left

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side looks a little bit less messy and

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the right side the emotional side you

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know just is a bunch of lines like

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squirrel it’s it’s very messy and in

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between that down the middle there’s the

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word barrier to symbolize a barrier so

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we have the logical side which is very

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neat and organized and then on the right

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we have it labeled fight or flight on

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the emotional side and we have the

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barrier going down the center

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symbolizing how our brains are not

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passing messages back and forth all

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right he says experiencing stress causes

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cortisol a stress hormone to flood the

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brain a constant drip of cortisol causes

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the Detachment or

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dispar understanding this excuse me

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understanding this matters because we

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need our logical processing to be able

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to navigate our emotions when the two

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sides are detached we can’t navigate the

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constant flow of emotional sign

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signal this Detachment explains why

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those in despair often feel numb some

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describe it like experiencing their life

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outside of themselves because it’s so

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difficult for them to identify how they

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really feel they can become dissociated

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from their emotions the risk of this

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Detachment happening increases when

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something traumatic

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happens all right so he goes on he says

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trauma as well as stresses of Life can

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cause the amydala the part of the brain

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where fight flight or freeze response is

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located to become

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overactivated this excuse me this

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results in all of the emotions building

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up on the right side of the brain all

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the blood flow starts to head that way

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the brain essentially goes back to

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survival mode and logical processing

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tends to break

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down the challenge for adolescence is

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that their brains are still developing

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the frontal cortex which is responsible

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for higher thinking like judgment and

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decision M decision making isn’t fully

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developed in the book uh they they tell

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a story about a teenager named Chloe so

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I’m going to read the story about Chloe

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all right says says meet Chloe uh and it

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looks like this is chin way the other

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co-author to this book chenway Williams

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uh speaking it says I chenway met Khloe

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when she was 13 years old approximately

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7 months after discovering her father

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lying on the kitchen floor not breathing

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her small group leader had dropped her

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off at my office After experiencing yet

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another emotionally rough day Khloe was

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struggling not just from the traumatic

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loss of her dad but also from the loss

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of memory she hoped they would share in

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the future Chloe told Chloe told me her

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story tearfully vacillating between

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reoccurring thought of the coffee mug

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she had shattered on the floor next to

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her dad and and their heated

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disagreement the previous night about a

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seventh grade boy she had been texting

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over the course of the over the course

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of our time together Khloe reported

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Vivid and disturbing dreams that

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disrupted her quality of sleep she also

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developed a nois sensitivity which

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resulted in escalating arguments with

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her busy twin sisters who shared the

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adjoining room anxiety also began to set

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in despair is often intertwined with

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anxiety and anxiety can stem from trauma

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following a traumatic loss stress

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related hormones can initiate a

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heightened state of arousal in our

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nervous system when we are chronically

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anxious we become hyper alert and

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continuously on the lookout for danger

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the state of hyperarousal was difficult

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for Chloe to manage to manage leading

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her to miss several days of school each

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month am I crazy Chloe would period

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periodically ask I assured her that she

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was not and attempted to explain that

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she was experiencing a physical reaction

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to acutely ex acutely stressful

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experience with her mother Grand parents

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a small group rallying around her Chloe

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eventually improved and became a typical

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high schooler when she battled

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occasional waves of anxiety and despair

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she functioned overall relatively well

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that is until several years later her

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boyfriend cheated on her and later broke

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up with her setting her into a downward

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downward spiral then she began to self

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harm Chloe and I reconnected through

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counseling and I asked her directly

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about thoughts to end her life she

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denied feeling suicidal but when I asked

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her to share what she did feel she said

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I feel nothing just numb emotionally

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dead inside Chloe’s experience was not

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uncommon I have counseled kids and many

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teenagers over the years who engaged in

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self-harming behaviors meant to

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release and cope with profound emotional

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pain or despair I know it’s hard to to

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think about a child intentionally

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hurting themselves but for some kids

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like Khloe cutting seemed like the only

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way to disrupt the overwhelming pain of

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rejection and grief from two recent

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painful losses self Haring is viewed as

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emotionally regulating Behavior and the

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reasons why youth self harm are complex

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many teams whose self harm do so as a

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way to distract from emotional pain but

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also a means to discover if they can

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wake up from an emotional Slumber to

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feel anything following a long period of

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emotional numbness think of it this way

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kids and teens who self harm are

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desperately trying to bring the two

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sides of the brains back together to

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feel something again to feel anything

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Chloe’s story is an illustration of the

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contrasting nature of Despair for some

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youth battling despair

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there can be excessive and overwhelming

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emotions While others experience a

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profound sense of emptiness in an

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article written in the psychological

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Journal development psychology the

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author outlined the results of a

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six-year study that followed nearly

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3,500 children between the age of 3 and

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12 who had been exposed to a violent

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incident the study found that the

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children had become emotionally numb

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regardless of age or gender and so they

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list here some common factors that may

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lead to emotional numbness deeply

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emotional experiences such as lost of a

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loved one car crashes or near-death

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experiences childhood emotional abuse

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physical abuse and or neglect extreme

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interpersonal conflict or ongoing stress

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usually with a family member or close

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friend finding out about a a terminal

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illness they go on to say researchers

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also discovered that regardless of the

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reason for the dissociation the good

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news is that in most cases the numbness

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eventually goes away with frequent

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engagement and self-care and support

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from others parents and leaders what you

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say and how you show up in your kids or

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teens life really matters the way you

0:14:18.279,0:14:22.560
respond to someone who is emotionally

0:14:20.279,0:14:25.160
dead could actually lead them to feel

0:14:22.560,0:14:27.399
more alive so now we move in to the

0:14:25.160,0:14:29.199
section called The Power of connection

0:14:27.399,0:14:31.839
parents and caring adults have a

0:14:29.199,0:14:34.240
supernatural ability to help kids heal

0:14:31.839,0:14:36.279
from despair this is possible because of

0:14:34.240,0:14:37.519
the power of connection research on

0:14:36.279,0:14:39.920
attachment and

0:14:37.519,0:14:43.839
neuroplasticity confirms that our brains

0:14:39.920,0:14:46.240
are wired to respond to love and empathy

0:14:43.839,0:14:48.560
even when we’re in despair when we

0:14:46.240,0:14:51.759
connect with another person or when

0:14:48.560,0:14:54.880
someone empathizes with us and helps us

0:14:51.759,0:14:57.800
feel seen the two sides of the brain

0:14:54.880,0:15:01.440
begin to heal and so they ask how does

0:14:57.800,0:15:04.199
this work oxytocin a hormone responsible

0:15:01.440,0:15:06.880
for healthy attachment floods our brain

0:15:04.199,0:15:10.040
and begins to bring the two sides back

0:15:06.880,0:15:13.000
together as we experience connection

0:15:10.040,0:15:17.000
love empathy and secure attachment the

0:15:13.000,0:15:20.160
two sides rejoin as a result despair

0:15:17.000,0:15:22.720
lessens the brain’s repairing can

0:15:20.160,0:15:25.079
restore a wholeness that allows

0:15:22.720,0:15:28.120
emotional processing to then flip over

0:15:25.079,0:15:31.600
into logical processing this happens in

0:15:28.120,0:15:34.360
the text of healthy relationships and it

0:15:31.600,0:15:37.040
happens in the context of Love No One

0:15:34.360,0:15:39.920
modeled how to do this better than Jesus

0:15:37.040,0:15:42.720
he healed more more than blind eyes and

0:15:39.920,0:15:45.319
deaf ears he healed Hearts remember the

0:15:42.720,0:15:47.720
woman he met at the well and this was in

0:15:45.319,0:15:47.720
John

0:15:47.839,0:15:53.440
44-42 and the one and the one caught in

0:15:51.079,0:15:56.839
adultery John 8

0:15:53.440,0:15:59.519
3-4 Jesus helped them heal by showing

0:15:56.839,0:16:02.160
love and empathy parents have the

0:15:59.519,0:16:04.959
ability to help their kids heal faster

0:16:02.160,0:16:07.800
than anyone in a kid’s life other

0:16:04.959,0:16:10.360
influences like small group leaders

0:16:07.800,0:16:13.800
teachers pastors and other caring adults

0:16:10.360,0:16:16.399
can too but not but not like parents can

0:16:13.800,0:16:20.519
this is true because of parent child

0:16:16.399,0:16:23.120
attachment early in the life of a child

0:16:20.519,0:16:25.279
they form important attachment to

0:16:23.120,0:16:27.959
caregivers in their lives this most

0:16:25.279,0:16:30.240
commonly happens through parents the

0:16:27.959,0:16:32.800
this impact attacks the child through

0:16:30.240,0:16:35.199
throughout their lifespan the attachment

0:16:32.800,0:16:38.440
formed in the first 2 years eventually

0:16:35.199,0:16:39.680
forms an adults framework of attachment

0:16:38.440,0:16:41.959
with other

0:16:39.680,0:16:44.560
relationships this even impacts a

0:16:41.959,0:16:46.480
person’s relationship with God Parents

0:16:44.560,0:16:48.800
and caregivers can distinguish and

0:16:46.480,0:16:51.519
respond to a child’s emotions like no

0:16:48.800,0:16:54.399
one else can psychologists refer to this

0:16:51.519,0:16:57.160
as Attunement you can think of this as

0:16:54.399,0:16:59.600
being in sync or pared and maybe you

0:16:57.160,0:17:02.639
have met someone who just seems to get

0:16:59.600,0:17:05.720
you in ways other people do not they

0:17:02.639,0:17:08.400
recognize what you are feeling and know

0:17:05.720,0:17:11.319
how to respond in ways that you need

0:17:08.400,0:17:14.600
this helps you to feel understood or to

0:17:11.319,0:17:17.679
feel seen kids who are facing despair

0:17:14.600,0:17:21.240
often do not feel seen they might feel

0:17:17.679,0:17:24.480
alone or like no one understands often

0:17:21.240,0:17:27.280
they feel as though no one else feels

0:17:24.480,0:17:28.919
the way that they do many times kids in

0:17:27.280,0:17:31.640
despair do not know what they are

0:17:28.919,0:17:34.799
feeling or cannot put into words

0:17:31.640,0:17:37.400
connection changes everything this all

0:17:34.799,0:17:40.080
changes when we tap into the power of

0:17:37.400,0:17:42.840
connection parents and caregivers are

0:17:40.080,0:17:45.320
crucial to the well-being of a child but

0:17:42.840,0:17:48.760
they are not the only one your child

0:17:45.320,0:17:51.919
needs they need a team of teachers

0:17:48.760,0:17:54.440
pastors coaches counselors and doctors

0:17:51.919,0:17:57.000
the more that their team uses these

0:17:54.440,0:18:00.440
pairing tools the more they will feel

0:17:57.000,0:18:02.520
seen the more connected kits feel the

0:18:00.440,0:18:05.280
more the two sides of the brain come

0:18:02.520,0:18:07.520
back together that’s when healing takes

0:18:05.280,0:18:09.159
place and where hope begins right so

0:18:07.520,0:18:11.760
we’re going to talk about the what they

0:18:09.159,0:18:14.960
talk about is pairing tools we we kind

0:18:11.760,0:18:16.520
of mentioned it here in the last section

0:18:14.960,0:18:19.960
that we’ve been talking about but it

0:18:16.520,0:18:22.960
says how do we help kids feel seen and

0:18:19.960,0:18:25.200
they give us five practical tools or

0:18:22.960,0:18:26.600
pairing tools that they call them so

0:18:25.200,0:18:28.120
we’re going to cover them from a high

0:18:26.600,0:18:30.919
level and then the rest of the book is

0:18:28.120,0:18:34.720
going to cover these in detail so the

0:18:30.919,0:18:38.880
five practical tools are to show up see

0:18:34.720,0:18:41.559
them just listen Speak Life and build

0:18:38.880,0:18:44.919
grit if you’re a parent with a kid or

0:18:41.559,0:18:47.159
teenager who is in despair fighting

0:18:44.919,0:18:50.360
depression or having suicidal thoughts

0:18:47.159,0:18:53.559
the good news is you can help them these

0:18:50.360,0:18:56.240
tools are for you to give you hope when

0:18:53.559,0:18:58.559
things seem hopeless and Empower you to

0:18:56.240,0:19:01.559
step more confidently toward connection

0:18:58.559,0:19:05.159
and healing and by no means are these a

0:19:01.559,0:19:08.440
replacement to spiritual tools of prayer

0:19:05.159,0:19:11.880
the truth of God’s word or the power of

0:19:08.440,0:19:15.559
Faith these tools are complimentary to

0:19:11.880,0:19:18.679
our faith he quotes Mark badon uh who

0:19:15.559,0:19:22.360
says work like it depends on you pray

0:19:18.679,0:19:25.520
like it depends on God prayer is a

0:19:22.360,0:19:28.000
powerful spiritual tool and the one we

0:19:25.520,0:19:29.640
should always begin with and so he he

0:19:28.000,0:19:32.280
kind of leads us in this prayer and he

0:19:29.640,0:19:35.280
says God I know you’re the one who spoke

0:19:32.280,0:19:38.480
my life into existence I know you are

0:19:35.280,0:19:41.120
with me and you have not left me alone

0:19:38.480,0:19:43.720
you are the great healer today I pray

0:19:41.120,0:19:46.120
that you will go before us begin the

0:19:43.720,0:19:49.080
healing work in our hearts and Minds

0:19:46.120,0:19:52.360
help me learn how to connect on a deeper

0:19:49.080,0:19:55.039
level and use me as a tool in your hand

0:19:52.360,0:19:57.799
to help others heal from despair in

0:19:55.039,0:19:59.799
Jesus name, amen. That’s all for this

0:19:57.799,0:20:01.600
episode, thank you for watching. If you

0:19:59.799,0:20:03.360
like the video, give us a thumbs up, and

0:20:01.600,0:20:07.200
be sure to subscribe so you don’t miss

0:20:03.360,0:20:07.200
out on future episodes.