Show Up

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hello and welcome to the Overflow podcast my name
is Craig Booker. The title of this episode is Show

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Up the material in this episode is inspired by
scene by Will Hutson and chinu Williams. Note: I

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will talk a lot about mental health but please
note this is not a substitute for therapy or

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mental health care the title of this episode
is show up in last week’s episode you recall

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we talked about win in Despair and this week we
are launching into kind of the the core where

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we’re talking about all these ways of using what
they call pairing tools and so just to sum up kind

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of where we’ve been in our last episode you
might recall that when we become hopeless and

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disconnected from our emotional state the two
halves of the brain begin to separate and this

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despairing process is called emotional detachment
ment and when the two sides of the brain are

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detached it makes dealing with the constant flow
of emotions difficult when kids or adults feel

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seen it helps the two parts of the brain come back
together and there are tools that can be used to

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Aid this pairing process in today’s episode we’re
going to be talking about the first pairing tool

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which is called showing up in the book they say
that if you don’t get anything else from the

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book pay attention to this chapter showing up
is the foundation for all of the other pairing

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tools uh so they ask the question why like why is
this so important a quote here they say presence

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influences healing more than anything we’re
going to talk about the story about Sharon so

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this is reading from the book uh in this chapter
it says I chenway which chenway Williams is one

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of the authors so I chenway received a phone call
recently from one of my clients Sharon a mother

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was concerned about her 15-year-old daughter Ella
who had started behaving differently Sharon had

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noticed a sharp decline in Ella’s mood she was
becoming irritable and spending more time alone

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Ella was usually very social and she performed
well in school was active on the track team and

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had a great group of friends but something just
seemed off Sharon asked me for some advice and

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after speaking with them both it seemed Ella
was feeling disappointed about a boyfriend

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relationship while she didn’t seem to be thinking
about harming herself Sharon and I decided just

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to keep an eye on Ella and keep the conversation
open a few days later Sharon decided to check on

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Ella she walked upstairs and sat down in Ella’s
room uh Sharon knew she needed to take some time

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to be present with her daughter but unaware yet
how much her presence was actually needed using

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listening tools Ella slowly began to open up
and the defining moment came when Sharon asked

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a point blank question Ella are you thinking about
hurting yourself initially Ella said I don’t know

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then Mom asked again more directly are you having
thoughts of taking your life Ella paused taking

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a deep breath before Whispering yes Sharon was
petrified heartbroken and Afraid and Sharon didn’t

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know what to say but later reflected I just knew I
couldn’t leave her alone she replied I don’t know

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what to do but I love you is it okay if we call
Dr chinu to get help together Ella obliged and

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Sharon did didn’t want to just set up a therapist
appointment she knew she needed to help Ella in

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the moment and that she couldn’t just leave her
alone so she sat with Ella sometimes quietly and

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sometimes listening and offering support and
as the conversation unfolded Ella admitted to

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frequently texting until the early morning and
was not getting enough sleep Sharon was shocked

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that Ella quickly gave up her phone upon request
without a petition another sign that Ella knew she

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needed help and was open to her mom’s guidance
as the night came to an end Ella said she was

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afraid to go to sleep uh what can I do Mom asked
would you like to sleep in my room tonight Ella

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shook her head no is it okay if I sleep in your
bed with you Sharon asked praying that her child

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would agree but knowing she couldn’t force it
no Mom but you could stay close by Ella asked

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or could you stay close by Ella asked she breathed
a deep sigh of relief and ended up sleeping right

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outside her door that kind of sets the scene
for that story and she asked the question can

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you imagine how Ella felt waking up the next
morning knowing she wasn’t alone her mom was

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right outside the door she showed up when she
needed her most all right so that’s the story

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of Sharon and it says in moments of Despair the
people we love need need our outside the door kind

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of presence that kind of presence creates safety
like nothing else can it may seem small but when

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we show up the brain responds in predictable ways
remember the parent child attachment we discussed

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earlier showing up isn’t the goal of parenting
secure attachment is the goal but showing up is

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the beginning step to accomplish that goal so in
the book they go into discussing what they call

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five ways to show up number one the first one
here is show up before they ask you to as kids

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grow into teenagers it can often give parents the
idea that their child doesn’t need them anymore

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this starts when a child is suddenly embarrassed
to have their parent around it’s easy for parents

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to feel that kids are pushing us away as they’re
embarrassed about being around their parents and

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it’s easy for for par parents to get offended or
hurt and assume that their child doesn’t need them

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anymore while it certainly can feel this way kids
often need parents more as they grow into their

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teen years it is critical that parents initiate
regular quality time with their teens but show up

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for what matters to them and so if if you do not
know what matters to your child uh it is time to

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put on your detective’s hat so what matters to
a teen may not be the most enjoyable activity

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for their parent regardless it’s important to make
them or make this process about them so you could

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apply this outside of just kids and teens so you
know regardless of who you’re trying to support

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you need to show up for what matters to that
individual so if you don’t know that individual

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well you need to spend some time learning what
matters to them so you can show up in those ways

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so they they give some examples I think here they
for kids and teens they say go with them to their

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sporting activities dance ballet plays Etc take
them to their favorite you know musician or or

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Band in concert if they’re into superheroes go to
the opening of their favorite characters movie uh

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maybe play video games with them and this is a
time when you show up with no agenda of your own

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just simply enoy enjoy the time with them so you
know apply this to just people in general like

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you know figure out what’s important to these
individuals and find ways to show up in small

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ways third is to show up when it’s inconvenient
all right so in in many moments it’s easy to feel

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like you’re not needed or wanted as a parent
and in their time of Crisis real or imaginary

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show up as parents we have we have been showing
up their whole lives until this point and this

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season may look a little different but is just
as important as when they were little as kids

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mature this might look like staying up late with
them or picking them up from a party where they

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felt uncomfortable or unsafe it’s important
as parents that we show up especially when

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it’s inconvenient and I I want to broaden this
because you know some of you may not be parents

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or you’re not in that season of your life right
now where your parents and you’re just trying to

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support your friend and that’s great uh this is
really important as a friend and showing up for

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that friend is to show up when it’s inconvenient
you really communicate to them how much you care

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and that you’re really there for them for them if
they see that it’s really inconvenient for you and

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I’m not saying like make a bunch of drama about
it but don’t necessarily hide it that this took

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some sacrifice on your part to show up for them
when that’s the case uh number four was that we

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need to show up often so find ways to be to be
predictively excuse me predictably available so

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what this is important for kids this is important
for teens this is important for adults uh people

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need to see when you’re available because they
want to know that they’re not bugging you right

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if they know know that you typically have certain
times of day when you’re available either to text

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or phone call they know they can contact you and
they’re not interfering with your life so here are

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some IDE a few ideas that they provide in the book
it says create a conversation place in your home a

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place that is just for conversations no phones
no screens just people uh then be intentional

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about creating moments be available during Drive
times evenings and bedtime times if there is a

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time when you start to realize your kids are most
likely to talk or open up clear that time in your

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schedule text them occasionally to let them know
you’re thinking about them or praying for them

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H now not to the extent that you’re stalking of
course and the act of showing up in predictable

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ways that are not overbearing is the foundation
of showing that you care so again this this is

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very important just in human relations Is to
show up and and be predictably available for

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people uh now we may not as as adults we may not
communicate this well we may not show other people

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that we predictively available but I I think
there’s other ways to apply this if you’re

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relating to another individual uh then they talk
about number five is show up undistracted and in

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the book if you’ve read over the material you
you might notice as I did that looks like they

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was six items and not just five and so I don’t
know if that was just an error in counting or

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if one of these were supposed to be included
under another one what I call number five is

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show up undistracted so today uh in today’s
world where everybody generally has a phone

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in their pocket and they’re always checking it
for one reason or another it’s easy for adults

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to assume that the technology is a kids’s problem
we assume that kids have impulse control problems

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of all you know being on technology and being on
screens all the time and we have to as parents and

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mentors and caregivers we have to regulate that
for our kids but the truth is that many adults

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misuse technology as much as kids do and it’s
important that we learn how to set boundaries

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to be intentional about showing up with our
full attention available so if you’re showing

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up for an individual and you’re the reason
that you’re with them or showing up for them

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is to show your presence and to let them know
that you’re there for them don’t be constantly

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pulling your phone out of your pocket checking it
uh don’t be constantly like looking at your watch

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maybe for notifications so be very careful and
very intentional to be undistracted so the next

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one is a show up when they’re hurting in John
chap 11 before Jesus Does the unthinkable and

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raises Lazarus from the dead we see the ultimate
example of showing up for those hurting from loss

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so even though Jesus knew he was about to perform
a miracle and the situation would be miraculously

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resolved he took time to show up when they were
hurting in John 11:35 the Bible says that Jesus

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wept so even though he you know he knew that he
was about to fix the situation he still took time

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to to show up with them and his friend had died
Lazarus had died and so this shows another like

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the human element the emotional element of Jesus
when he wept for his friend even though he knew

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what he was about to do so it says showing up is
the beginning it makes healing possible because

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you’re creating a secure attachment when you
create a secure attachment kids and teens feel

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loved now we can take even more steps to pair
the brain’s emotional and logical processing

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back together the tools that follow will help you
to maximize what happens when you show up so that

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you can create a deep connection one that brings
healing so it’s easy to get overwhelmed with all

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of this as a parent as a mentor or a coach you
do not need to be perfect but showing up is half

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of the work when you show up the pairing process
begins now that you’re face to face you can begin

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to really see them so they give us an exercise
they call it application exercise and it says

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how can I apply this tool it says part of showing
up means slowing down take a few moments to think

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about how you can create space in your everyday
schedule for conversations with the kid or teen

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your a parent or mentoring life is busy for us as
adults and it may feel impossible to be there for

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busy teens every day we barely see them as it
is they say our friends at parent q.org it’s a

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website have identified four key times parents and
teenagers may have time together on a consistent

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basis so one it says morning time instill Purpose
By starting off their day with encouraging words

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Meal Time connect regularly by scheduling time
to eat together bedtime interpret life when they

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occasionally open up at the end of the day and
then they say their time strength or strengthen

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your relationship by adjusting your plans to
show up when they need you all right number two

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it says if you’re a coach consider setting time
aside for 10 minutes before practice starts to

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check in or parents consider creating a regularly
scheduled game night or backyard bonfire night to

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spark conversation create a conversation space in
your house designate a specific room or a set of

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chairs as a no phone and no judgment zone for
instance make the family dinner table a device

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free table number three show up especially when
they are hurting or when they’ve had a tough day

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here are a few ways to show up in a practical way
text them a screenshot of an encouraging quote put

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their favorite snack in the room with a note
pick them up early from school and do something

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fun together and then it also says take them on
a short two or three day trip camping fishing or

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watching their favorite sports team that’s all
for this episode thank you for watching if you

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like the video give us a thumbs up and be sure to
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