Show Up

Show Up

Episode: 039

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Show Notes

Show Up

 

A Brief Recap

In our last episode, you might recall that when we become hopeless and disconnected from our emotional state, the two halves of the brain begin to separate. This dis-pairing process is called emotional detachment.

When the two sides of our brain are detached, it makes dealing with the constant flow of emotions difficult.

When kids or adults feel seen, it helps the two parts of the brain come back together.

There are tools that can be used to aid the pairing process.

First Pairing Tool – Show Up

If you don’t get anything else, pay attention to this chapter. Showing up is the foundation for all of the other pairing tools.

Why?
“…presence influences healing more than anything.”

[Story about Sharon from the book]

“In moments of despair, the people we love need our “outside the door” kind of presence. That kind of presence creates safety like nothing else can. It may seem small, but when we show up, the brain responds in predictable ways.”

“Remember the parent-child attachment we discussed earlier? Showing up isn’t the goal of parenting; secure attachment is the goal. But showing up is the beginning step to accomplish that goal.”

5 Ways to Show Up

1. Show Up Before They Ask You To

As kids grow into teenagers, it can often give parents the idea that their child doesn’t need them anymore. This starts when a child is suddenly embarrassed to have their parent around, and it can feel as though they are pushing you away. It is easy for parents to get offended or hurt and assume their child doesn’t need them.

While it can certainly feel this way, kids often need parents more as they grow into their teen years. It is critical that parents initiate regular, quality time with their teens.

2. Show Up for What Matters to Them

If you do not know what matters to your child, it is time to put on your detective hat. What matters to a teen may not be the most enjoyable activity for their parent. Regardless, it is important to make this process about them.

    • Go with them to their sporting activities, dance, ballet, plays, etc.

    • Take them to see their favorite musician or band in concert.

    • If they’re into superheroes, go to the opening of their favorite character.

    • Play video games with them.

This is a time when you show up with no agenda of your own. Simply enjoy time with them.

3. Show Up When It’s Inconvenient

In many moments, it is easy to feel like you are not needed or wanted as a parent. In their time of crisis, real or imaginary, show up. As parents, we have been showing up their whole lives until this point. This season may look a little different, but it is just as important as when they were little.

As kids mature, this might look like staying up late with them or picking them up from a party where they felt uncomfortable or unsafe.

It’s important as parents that we show up, especially when it’s inconvenient.

4. Show Up Often

Find ways to be predictably available.

Here are a few ideas:
• Create a “conversation place” in your home. A place that is just for conversations. No phones, no screens, just people.
• Be intentional about creating moments. Be available during drive times, evenings, and bedtimes.
• If there is a time when you start to realize your kids are most likely to talk or open up, clear that time in your schedule.
• Text them occasionally to let them know you are thinking about them or praying for them. (Not to the extent you’re stalking, of course.)

The act of showing up often in predictable ways that are not overbearing is the foundation of showing them you care.

5. Show Up Undistracted

In today’s always-on, always-connected world, it is easy for adults to assume that the overuse of technology is a kid’s problem. The truth is that many adults misuse technology as much as kids do.

It’s important that we learn how to set boundaries and to be intentional about showing up with our full attention available.

Show Up When They’re Hurting

In John, Chapter 11, before Jesus does the unthinkable and raises Lazarus from the dead, we see the ultimate example of showing up for those hurting from loss.

Even though Jesus knew that he was about to perform a miracle and the situation would be miraculously resolved, he took time to show up when they were hurting.

In John 11:35, the Bible says, “Jesus wept.”

“Showing up is the beginning. It makes healing possible, because you’re creating a secure attachment. When you create a secure attachment, kids and teens feel loved. Now, we can take even more steps to pair the brain’s emotional and logical processing back together. The tools that follow will help you to maximize what happens when you show up so that you can create a deep connection —one that brings healing.”

It’s easy to get overwhelmed with all of this. As a parent, mentor, or coach, you do not need to be perfect, but showing up is half of the work.

“When you show up, the pairing process begins. Now that you’re face to face, you can begin to really see them.”

[Exercise from the book]

Sources

[1] Hutcherson, W., & Williams, C. (2021). Seen: Healing Despair and Anxiety in Kids and Teens Through the Power of Connection.

Transcript

0:00:00.120,0:00:06.600
hello and welcome to the Overflow podcast my name
is Craig Booker. The title of this episode is Show

0:00:06.600,0:00:14.440
Up the material in this episode is inspired by
scene by Will Hutson and chinu Williams. Note: I

0:00:14.440,0:00:20.000
will talk a lot about mental health but please
note this is not a substitute for therapy or

0:00:20.000,0:00:26.640
mental health care the title of this episode
is show up in last week’s episode you recall

0:00:26.640,0:00:34.160
we talked about win in Despair and this week we
are launching into kind of the the core where

0:00:34.160,0:00:41.240
we’re talking about all these ways of using what
they call pairing tools and so just to sum up kind

0:00:41.240,0:00:49.000
of where we’ve been in our last episode you
might recall that when we become hopeless and

0:00:49.000,0:00:56.680
disconnected from our emotional state the two
halves of the brain begin to separate and this

0:00:56.680,0:01:03.000
despairing process is called emotional detachment
ment and when the two sides of the brain are

0:01:03.000,0:01:10.720
detached it makes dealing with the constant flow
of emotions difficult when kids or adults feel

0:01:10.720,0:01:18.480
seen it helps the two parts of the brain come back
together and there are tools that can be used to

0:01:18.480,0:01:26.720
Aid this pairing process in today’s episode we’re
going to be talking about the first pairing tool

0:01:26.720,0:01:32.560
which is called showing up in the book they say
that if you don’t get anything else from the

0:01:32.560,0:01:40.760
book pay attention to this chapter showing up
is the foundation for all of the other pairing

0:01:40.760,0:01:48.400
tools uh so they ask the question why like why is
this so important a quote here they say presence

0:01:48.400,0:01:55.440
influences healing more than anything we’re
going to talk about the story about Sharon so

0:01:55.440,0:02:03.000
this is reading from the book uh in this chapter
it says I chenway which chenway Williams is one

0:02:03.000,0:02:10.720
of the authors so I chenway received a phone call
recently from one of my clients Sharon a mother

0:02:10.720,0:02:17.600
was concerned about her 15-year-old daughter Ella
who had started behaving differently Sharon had

0:02:17.600,0:02:24.240
noticed a sharp decline in Ella’s mood she was
becoming irritable and spending more time alone

0:02:24.240,0:02:30.720
Ella was usually very social and she performed
well in school was active on the track team and

0:02:30.720,0:02:38.480
had a great group of friends but something just
seemed off Sharon asked me for some advice and

0:02:38.480,0:02:44.000
after speaking with them both it seemed Ella
was feeling disappointed about a boyfriend

0:02:44.000,0:02:50.880
relationship while she didn’t seem to be thinking
about harming herself Sharon and I decided just

0:02:50.880,0:02:57.560
to keep an eye on Ella and keep the conversation
open a few days later Sharon decided to check on

0:02:57.560,0:03:06.320
Ella she walked upstairs and sat down in Ella’s
room uh Sharon knew she needed to take some time

0:03:06.320,0:03:13.320
to be present with her daughter but unaware yet
how much her presence was actually needed using

0:03:13.320,0:03:20.480
listening tools Ella slowly began to open up
and the defining moment came when Sharon asked

0:03:20.480,0:03:28.480
a point blank question Ella are you thinking about
hurting yourself initially Ella said I don’t know

0:03:28.480,0:03:35.400
then Mom asked again more directly are you having
thoughts of taking your life Ella paused taking

0:03:35.400,0:03:43.120
a deep breath before Whispering yes Sharon was
petrified heartbroken and Afraid and Sharon didn’t

0:03:43.120,0:03:50.400
know what to say but later reflected I just knew I
couldn’t leave her alone she replied I don’t know

0:03:50.400,0:03:59.120
what to do but I love you is it okay if we call
Dr chinu to get help together Ella obliged and

0:03:59.120,0:04:04.680
Sharon did didn’t want to just set up a therapist
appointment she knew she needed to help Ella in

0:04:04.680,0:04:12.000
the moment and that she couldn’t just leave her
alone so she sat with Ella sometimes quietly and

0:04:12.000,0:04:17.960
sometimes listening and offering support and
as the conversation unfolded Ella admitted to

0:04:17.960,0:04:23.720
frequently texting until the early morning and
was not getting enough sleep Sharon was shocked

0:04:23.720,0:04:31.400
that Ella quickly gave up her phone upon request
without a petition another sign that Ella knew she

0:04:31.400,0:04:37.960
needed help and was open to her mom’s guidance
as the night came to an end Ella said she was

0:04:37.960,0:04:44.280
afraid to go to sleep uh what can I do Mom asked
would you like to sleep in my room tonight Ella

0:04:44.280,0:04:50.600
shook her head no is it okay if I sleep in your
bed with you Sharon asked praying that her child

0:04:50.600,0:04:57.080
would agree but knowing she couldn’t force it
no Mom but you could stay close by Ella asked

0:04:57.080,0:05:03.560
or could you stay close by Ella asked she breathed
a deep sigh of relief and ended up sleeping right

0:05:03.560,0:05:11.240
outside her door that kind of sets the scene
for that story and she asked the question can

0:05:11.240,0:05:16.560
you imagine how Ella felt waking up the next
morning knowing she wasn’t alone her mom was

0:05:16.560,0:05:22.360
right outside the door she showed up when she
needed her most all right so that’s the story

0:05:22.360,0:05:31.920
of Sharon and it says in moments of Despair the
people we love need need our outside the door kind

0:05:31.920,0:05:39.360
of presence that kind of presence creates safety
like nothing else can it may seem small but when

0:05:39.360,0:05:47.960
we show up the brain responds in predictable ways
remember the parent child attachment we discussed

0:05:47.960,0:05:55.560
earlier showing up isn’t the goal of parenting
secure attachment is the goal but showing up is

0:05:55.560,0:06:02.080
the beginning step to accomplish that goal so in
the book they go into discussing what they call

0:06:02.080,0:06:10.240
five ways to show up number one the first one
here is show up before they ask you to as kids

0:06:10.240,0:06:16.920
grow into teenagers it can often give parents the
idea that their child doesn’t need them anymore

0:06:16.920,0:06:23.040
this starts when a child is suddenly embarrassed
to have their parent around it’s easy for parents

0:06:23.040,0:06:28.040
to feel that kids are pushing us away as they’re
embarrassed about being around their parents and

0:06:28.040,0:06:33.680
it’s easy for for par parents to get offended or
hurt and assume that their child doesn’t need them

0:06:33.680,0:06:38.800
anymore while it certainly can feel this way kids
often need parents more as they grow into their

0:06:38.800,0:06:46.000
teen years it is critical that parents initiate
regular quality time with their teens but show up

0:06:46.000,0:06:53.920
for what matters to them and so if if you do not
know what matters to your child uh it is time to

0:06:53.920,0:07:01.680
put on your detective’s hat so what matters to
a teen may not be the most enjoyable activity

0:07:01.680,0:07:08.600
for their parent regardless it’s important to make
them or make this process about them so you could

0:07:08.600,0:07:16.440
apply this outside of just kids and teens so you
know regardless of who you’re trying to support

0:07:16.440,0:07:22.920
you need to show up for what matters to that
individual so if you don’t know that individual

0:07:22.920,0:07:29.320
well you need to spend some time learning what
matters to them so you can show up in those ways

0:07:30.200,0:07:35.480
so they they give some examples I think here they
for kids and teens they say go with them to their

0:07:35.480,0:07:43.040
sporting activities dance ballet plays Etc take
them to their favorite you know musician or or

0:07:43.040,0:07:50.360
Band in concert if they’re into superheroes go to
the opening of their favorite characters movie uh

0:07:50.360,0:07:58.320
maybe play video games with them and this is a
time when you show up with no agenda of your own

0:07:58.320,0:08:06.000
just simply enoy enjoy the time with them so you
know apply this to just people in general like

0:08:06.000,0:08:10.920
you know figure out what’s important to these
individuals and find ways to show up in small

0:08:10.920,0:08:17.880
ways third is to show up when it’s inconvenient
all right so in in many moments it’s easy to feel

0:08:17.880,0:08:25.160
like you’re not needed or wanted as a parent
and in their time of Crisis real or imaginary

0:08:25.160,0:08:32.320
show up as parents we have we have been showing
up their whole lives until this point and this

0:08:32.320,0:08:38.560
season may look a little different but is just
as important as when they were little as kids

0:08:38.560,0:08:43.920
mature this might look like staying up late with
them or picking them up from a party where they

0:08:43.920,0:08:49.960
felt uncomfortable or unsafe it’s important
as parents that we show up especially when

0:08:49.960,0:08:55.920
it’s inconvenient and I I want to broaden this
because you know some of you may not be parents

0:08:55.920,0:08:59.960
or you’re not in that season of your life right
now where your parents and you’re just trying to

0:08:59.960,0:09:07.440
support your friend and that’s great uh this is
really important as a friend and showing up for

0:09:07.440,0:09:14.520
that friend is to show up when it’s inconvenient
you really communicate to them how much you care

0:09:14.520,0:09:20.560
and that you’re really there for them for them if
they see that it’s really inconvenient for you and

0:09:20.560,0:09:29.640
I’m not saying like make a bunch of drama about
it but don’t necessarily hide it that this took

0:09:29.640,0:09:35.400
some sacrifice on your part to show up for them
when that’s the case uh number four was that we

0:09:35.400,0:09:44.800
need to show up often so find ways to be to be
predictively excuse me predictably available so

0:09:44.800,0:09:51.640
what this is important for kids this is important
for teens this is important for adults uh people

0:09:51.640,0:09:58.640
need to see when you’re available because they
want to know that they’re not bugging you right

0:09:58.640,0:10:03.360
if they know know that you typically have certain
times of day when you’re available either to text

0:10:03.360,0:10:11.520
or phone call they know they can contact you and
they’re not interfering with your life so here are

0:10:11.520,0:10:17.240
some IDE a few ideas that they provide in the book
it says create a conversation place in your home a

0:10:17.240,0:10:23.440
place that is just for conversations no phones
no screens just people uh then be intentional

0:10:23.440,0:10:31.040
about creating moments be available during Drive
times evenings and bedtime times if there is a

0:10:31.040,0:10:36.600
time when you start to realize your kids are most
likely to talk or open up clear that time in your

0:10:36.600,0:10:42.840
schedule text them occasionally to let them know
you’re thinking about them or praying for them

0:10:42.840,0:10:49.120
H now not to the extent that you’re stalking of
course and the act of showing up in predictable

0:10:49.120,0:10:57.160
ways that are not overbearing is the foundation
of showing that you care so again this this is

0:10:57.160,0:11:03.680
very important just in human relations Is to
show up and and be predictably available for

0:11:03.680,0:11:12.520
people uh now we may not as as adults we may not
communicate this well we may not show other people

0:11:12.520,0:11:17.480
that we predictively available but I I think
there’s other ways to apply this if you’re

0:11:17.480,0:11:24.440
relating to another individual uh then they talk
about number five is show up undistracted and in

0:11:24.440,0:11:29.120
the book if you’ve read over the material you
you might notice as I did that looks like they

0:11:29.120,0:11:35.760
was six items and not just five and so I don’t
know if that was just an error in counting or

0:11:35.760,0:11:40.600
if one of these were supposed to be included
under another one what I call number five is

0:11:40.600,0:11:47.160
show up undistracted so today uh in today’s
world where everybody generally has a phone

0:11:47.160,0:11:55.360
in their pocket and they’re always checking it
for one reason or another it’s easy for adults

0:11:55.360,0:12:02.840
to assume that the technology is a kids’s problem
we assume that kids have impulse control problems

0:12:02.840,0:12:09.640
of all you know being on technology and being on
screens all the time and we have to as parents and

0:12:09.640,0:12:15.240
mentors and caregivers we have to regulate that
for our kids but the truth is that many adults

0:12:15.240,0:12:21.200
misuse technology as much as kids do and it’s
important that we learn how to set boundaries

0:12:21.200,0:12:28.080
to be intentional about showing up with our
full attention available so if you’re showing

0:12:28.080,0:12:33.600
up for an individual and you’re the reason
that you’re with them or showing up for them

0:12:33.600,0:12:38.360
is to show your presence and to let them know
that you’re there for them don’t be constantly

0:12:38.360,0:12:44.080
pulling your phone out of your pocket checking it
uh don’t be constantly like looking at your watch

0:12:44.080,0:12:53.000
maybe for notifications so be very careful and
very intentional to be undistracted so the next

0:12:53.000,0:13:00.280
one is a show up when they’re hurting in John
chap 11 before Jesus Does the unthinkable and

0:13:00.280,0:13:08.280
raises Lazarus from the dead we see the ultimate
example of showing up for those hurting from loss

0:13:08.280,0:13:14.960
so even though Jesus knew he was about to perform
a miracle and the situation would be miraculously

0:13:14.960,0:13:22.800
resolved he took time to show up when they were
hurting in John 11:35 the Bible says that Jesus

0:13:22.800,0:13:31.120
wept so even though he you know he knew that he
was about to fix the situation he still took time

0:13:31.120,0:13:40.320
to to show up with them and his friend had died
Lazarus had died and so this shows another like

0:13:40.320,0:13:46.320
the human element the emotional element of Jesus
when he wept for his friend even though he knew

0:13:46.320,0:13:52.880
what he was about to do so it says showing up is
the beginning it makes healing possible because

0:13:52.880,0:13:59.000
you’re creating a secure attachment when you
create a secure attachment kids and teens feel

0:13:59.000,0:14:05.280
loved now we can take even more steps to pair
the brain’s emotional and logical processing

0:14:05.280,0:14:13.800
back together the tools that follow will help you
to maximize what happens when you show up so that

0:14:13.800,0:14:20.720
you can create a deep connection one that brings
healing so it’s easy to get overwhelmed with all

0:14:20.720,0:14:29.640
of this as a parent as a mentor or a coach you
do not need to be perfect but showing up is half

0:14:29.640,0:14:37.840
of the work when you show up the pairing process
begins now that you’re face to face you can begin

0:14:37.840,0:14:43.720
to really see them so they give us an exercise
they call it application exercise and it says

0:14:43.720,0:14:52.320
how can I apply this tool it says part of showing
up means slowing down take a few moments to think

0:14:52.320,0:14:58.000
about how you can create space in your everyday
schedule for conversations with the kid or teen

0:14:58.000,0:15:05.600
your a parent or mentoring life is busy for us as
adults and it may feel impossible to be there for

0:15:05.600,0:15:13.160
busy teens every day we barely see them as it
is they say our friends at parent q.org it’s a

0:15:13.160,0:15:20.920
website have identified four key times parents and
teenagers may have time together on a consistent

0:15:20.920,0:15:28.680
basis so one it says morning time instill Purpose
By starting off their day with encouraging words

0:15:28.680,0:15:37.480
Meal Time connect regularly by scheduling time
to eat together bedtime interpret life when they

0:15:37.480,0:15:43.560
occasionally open up at the end of the day and
then they say their time strength or strengthen

0:15:43.560,0:15:48.480
your relationship by adjusting your plans to
show up when they need you all right number two

0:15:48.480,0:15:55.720
it says if you’re a coach consider setting time
aside for 10 minutes before practice starts to

0:15:55.720,0:16:05.400
check in or parents consider creating a regularly
scheduled game night or backyard bonfire night to

0:16:05.400,0:16:13.480
spark conversation create a conversation space in
your house designate a specific room or a set of

0:16:13.480,0:16:20.720
chairs as a no phone and no judgment zone for
instance make the family dinner table a device

0:16:20.720,0:16:27.520
free table number three show up especially when
they are hurting or when they’ve had a tough day

0:16:27.520,0:16:33.720
here are a few ways to show up in a practical way
text them a screenshot of an encouraging quote put

0:16:33.720,0:16:39.560
their favorite snack in the room with a note
pick them up early from school and do something

0:16:39.560,0:16:45.480
fun together and then it also says take them on
a short two or three day trip camping fishing or

0:16:45.480,0:16:50.600
watching their favorite sports team that’s all
for this episode thank you for watching if you

0:16:50.600,0:16:55.840
like the video give us a thumbs up and be sure to
subscribe so you don’t miss out on future episodes

Last updated on: 01/22/2024

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