See Them

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Hello and welcome to The Overflow Podcast. My name
is Craig Booker. The title of this episode is See

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Them. The material in this episode is inspired by Seen
by Will Hutcherson and Chinwé Williams. Note: I will talk

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a lot about mental health but please note this is
not a substitute for therapy or mental health care.

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The title of this episode is See Them. Will opens
with a story about his son, Liam. He had asked his

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son to clean his room while he was working in
his home office, and after a few failed attempts

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to motivate his son, he tried to incentivize his
ask by paying him $3 if he would clean his room.

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If he failed to clean his room, his son would owe
will $3 the idea backfired when his son in tears

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brought in his whole piggy bank, begging his dad to
take his money. His son, Liam, felt disconnected from

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his dad and needed time to reconnect he needed
to feel safe again. Liam didn’t know how to

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express what he needed and Will acknowledged that
he was slow in recognizing the need. Will says, “To

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lead kids and teenagers, first you have to see them.
When they feel seen, you win their heart. Seeing

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them requires us to look beyond how they behave
on the outside to try and understand what they may

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be feeling on the inside.” I would take this quote
maybe a step further when including adults, we

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all need to feel seen by those around us we need
others to try and understand what we are feeling

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on the inside. Will then goes into a section
called Seeing Beyond the Behavior. Anytime a

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kid or adult faces despair, their behavior may
not be what you expect. For someone facing

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despair, you might see irritability, moodiness,
pulling away, or shutting down. Will encourages

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the readers to ask themselves this question do I
know where they are coming from we’ll encourage as

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readers to ask themselves, “Do I know where they
are coming from?” And in the book, Will provides

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these examples of questions to ask. He says, “What
may have happened earlier that day? What trust has

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been eroded from past disappointments? What kind
of trauma have they experienced from the pain of

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poverty or a high-crime neighborhood? What social
pressures might they be facing that we have no

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idea about? What kind of pain are they carrying
from the daily reminders of political and social

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injustice? What shame might they be carrying from
poor decisions or an abusive situation?” Depending

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on your relationship with the other person you
may know a lot, but realize that you don’t know

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everything they face. If you’re a coach, a
small group leader, a pastor, or a caring adult, you

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often won’t know what they’re dealing with until
you ask. The questions above help us see beyond

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the behavior and empathize with the other person.
It goes into a section called See What They Feel.

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“If you want to get in tune with your kids, you
have to see past their behavior and understand

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what they are really feeling.” According to the
book The Power of Showing Up, the best place to

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begin is to avoid shaming, labeling, or dismissing.
Alright so, let’s talk through an example. In the

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book, Will provides a similar scenario. Your
daughter comes home from school and is upset

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you learn that she has failed her math test.
She throws her backpack down as she walks into

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the room and begins to cry. As a parent, there are
several ways you could respond to the situation.

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Your first inclination might be to shame, label,
or dismiss. Let’s take a look: For shaming you

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might say, “You failed your test?! How could you do
that? That was stupid!” Labeling might look like, “You

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know you failed your test because you’re lazy.
If you just worked harder and spent less time

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playing on your phone or playing that silly video
game, you could have done better.” Dismissing, “No

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worries. There’s no reason to be upset. It’s just
one test; you’ll get it next time.” These responses

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might seem like the logical thing to say, but can
hurt the person on the receiving end. We often fail

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to realize that by going straight for the logical,
we can unintentionally invalidate their emotions.

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When a teen or adult is experiencing despair
jumping straight to logic can worsen feelings of

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loneliness or beliefs that no one gets them so we
go through these different scenarios for shaming

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labeling dismissing so instead of shaming we could
show empathy I know it’s disappointing to fail a

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test I get it I hate it when I fail too instead of
labeling we could look deeper we could say I can

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see you care about your grades and especially this
test tell me more about what’s going on instead of

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dismissing we could acknowledge their feelings
and we could say I am so sorry you failed your

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test you must feel disappointed tell me more if
you want to help teens or adults with despair it

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is imperative that you meet emotion with emotion
likewise you need to know when to meet logic with

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logic will says if you feel the feeling with
them then you’ll have the opportunity to lead

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them to a place of logical processing and as you
make efforts to see beyond the behavior they feel

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seen as they learn how to move from emotional
processing to logical processing feelings of

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Despair will diminish think of this process as
an emotional exhale we all get this way we keep

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thoughts feelings and emotions to ourselves we
mistakenly believe we can handle it on our own

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instead of telling someone else we stuff it down
when we help someone with logical processing it

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is the equivalent of them emotionally exhaling
all of the thoughts and emotions come pouring

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out and it releases all of that builtup energy
if you ask a person experiencing despair how

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they feel you will often be met with answers
like I don’t know or I feel numb if you want

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to move the conversation try asking this question
so you can start by saying do you feel lonely hurt

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angry embarrassed ashamed alone or afraid and if
they say all the above ask them to pick one and

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tell you more if you get nowhere another great
approach is to pull up a picture of the feelings

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wheel and ask the person to pick an emotion and
tell you more about it the goal here is to help

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them identify the emotions they are feeling and
to get them talking about it this will allow them

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to process their emotions and exhale all of that
builtup energy the more we practice this process

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with them the more they feel seen this will
help them develop a stronger connection and

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lead them towards healing see beyond despair
there are times when we see what’s going on

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in someone’s life life acknowledge their emotions
and realize it could be developing into something

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more complex knowing when to ask for help is an
essential tool as a friend parent coach Mentor

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or caring adult if you suspect that what you’re
seeing in another person might be more there is

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no shame in bringing in a therapist or counselor
or other mental health professional listening to

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your instincts and asking for help is a strength
not a weakness doing what is best for the other

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person is what we are after here despair versus
depression keep in mind that as friends mentors

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coaches or caring adults our role in helping
another person is not to diagnose we leave that

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to the professionals what I do hope to accomplish
here is a basic understanding of the two terms

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despair is what someone feels when they become
hopeless and disconnected from their emotional

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state when we become hopeless and disconnected
from our emotional state the two halves of the

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brain begin to separate this dispar process is
called emotional Detachment when kids or adults

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feel seen it helps the two parts of the brain come
back together chin way does a fantastic job of

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describing despair let’s take a look at that she
says despair like depression can be temporarily

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debilitating despair is a profound feeling of
discouragement and negativism about most things

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particularly the future those experiencing despair
can feel pain anguish loss of Hope and loss of Joy

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however despair differs from episodes of clinical
depression in that your kid or teen can typically

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but not always complete daily tasks two of the
forms of depression mentioned in the book are

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situational and clinical situational depression
is a temporary condition that occurs when an

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individual has difficulty coping with or adjusting
to a major life change crisis or event clinical

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depression is a severe form of depression marked
by persistent sadness feelings of inadequacy and

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a greater diminished quality of life among other
things the natural question most people want to

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ask here is what causes all this and while I too
want to know the reasoning behind it or what let

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led to it behavioral researchers still don’t have
a clear answer Suicidal Thoughts a few paragraphs

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or even a chapter is not nearly enough space
to address Suicidal Thoughts according to the

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book one common factor that everyone who faces
Suicidal Thoughts feels is despair or a sense

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of hopelessness an important point that they make
is that depression alone does not lead to Suicide

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dis spare is the main cause of suicide the main
point that the authors make is that no one should

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navigate suicide alone we should always take
Suicidal Thoughts seriously keep in mind that just

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because someone has despair or depression doesn’t
mean they are suicidal at the same time we want

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to pay close attention and not be dismissive
either two important questions we should ask

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directly are you having thoughts of dying or
ending your life are you thinking about hurting

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yourself that’s all for this episode thank
you for watching if you like the video give

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