Like a Child
Heal From Childhood Wounds
I can remember daydreaming as a child about what it would be like to be an adult. You see, as a child, I often felt like I didn’t quite fit in. I realize we all felt that way to an extent, but that’s not what I am getting at. I often felt like an old soul trapped in a child’s body.
I longed for the time when I would be a grown-up, but not for the reasons you would suspect. It wasn’t because I wanted to drive or drink alcohol. It wasn’t because I wanted the autonomy. I felt like I didn’t fit the mold of a typical child.
I identified with many activities that adults enjoyed, but I also remember disliking many of the activities other kids enjoyed. Hanging out with friends meant that I was largely bored with what other kids wanted to do. I often went along just because it was better than being alone.
I also wanted to be an adult because I reasoned that other people would leave me alone as an adult. I guess I was somewhat of an easy target at times. Kids would pick on me for whatever reason. At first, I got really upset about it, but as I got older, I learned that only made things worse.
Eventually, I learned that, in most cases, I could “kill them with kindness.” Sometimes, this backfired, but many times, those picking on me would give up when they couldn’t get a rise out of me. My refusal to let them bug me proved to be a weapon. I was way more patient than anyone choosing to pick on me. This was my superpower.
While I would love to tell you that this superpower was the key to fighting off wounds from childhood bullies, it wasn’t. Yes, it did give me tools to deal with bullies where there seemed to be few options. Did I come away from childhood bullying unharmed? No.
The impact of bullies and the process of being picked on follows a person well into adulthood. I was quite fortunate in that my bullies did not hound me every moment of every day, but the process did impact me. I would love to say I have complete clarity as to how being picked on influences my current behavior, but I don’t.
There are wounds from my childhood that I have yet to figure out. I can tell you that being picked on can make one feel like they are out of control. The thought of not knowing when a certain person(s) will choose to make fun of you can eat at you. It can cause anxiety, depression, and a whole host of issues.
If we truly want to find healing, we must be willing to put in the work.
“When we get stuck in our wounds from childhood, we end up living out of a place of pain rather than a place of power.” -Debra Fileta
For so many days, I longed to be done with elementary school, middle school, and finally high school. Don’t misunderstand where I am coming from; I didn’t hate my life. I longed for a time when it was acceptable to enjoy the basic things. I wanted a time when kids would stop being mean toward me and treat me with respect.
What I didn’t understand at that time was that this was all possible at any moment. Sure, kids may still try and pick on me, but I could change my response. I also failed to see that simply outlasting them by not getting upset was not a great coping mechanism. Being kind to them was great, but there was something missing that I would only realize as an adult looking back.
I wonder what part of me is stuck in my childhood wounds. Am I living from a place of pain rather than one of victory? How would my life change if I could live from the victory found in my identity in Christ?
When I dreamt about turning 18, I didn’t think about what would happen. Would I magically feel more secure or sure of myself and life? What would happen to all of my childhood emotions? There were so many questions that I never considered.
When a person turns 18, there are certain things they can now do that they couldn’t at 17. What I didn’t realize is that turning a certain age doesn’t change much internally. I didn’t have the certainty and confidence I wanted, and my childhood wounds were still there.
Verse for Reflection
“Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these” (Mark 19:14).
Source
[1] Fileta, D. (2023). Reset. Harvest House Publishers.
