Just Listen

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Hello and welcome to the Overflow podcast. My
name’s Craig Booker. The title of this episode

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is Just Listen. The material in this episode
is inspired by seeing by Will Hutson and Chinwé

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Williams. Note: I will talk a lot about mental
health, but please note this is not a substitute

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for therapy or mental health care. The title of
this episode is Just Listen. In this episode we

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talking about just listen I can remember the time
in my childhood when as El elementary students we

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would have regular time on the playground with
our friends and inevitably someone in our friend

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group or another group would say something quite
hurtful often times this was the result of being

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hurt by the action or inaction of another peer
in the group The response from most kids in that

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generation would go something like this sticks and
stones will break my bones but words will never

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hurt me the Sticks and Stones phrase so proudly
held by many kids could not be further from the

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truth as kids teens and eventually adults we
learn just how much our words have the power

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to uplift as well as tear down when people are
hurt whether by friends foes or someone we love

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it can easily result in US lashing out at another
unsuspecting individual this occurrence is often

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portrayed by the popular phrase hurting people
hurt people in the book scene by Will Hutcherson

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and chenway Williams they say that when we are
in distress our responses our words and actions

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may hurt others around us this makes sense when
you look at how the brain is wired the specific

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wiring mentioned here is our internal alert
system known as the amydala the amydala is the

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part of our brain that tells us when we might be
in danger when our brain detects danger it floods

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the body with a stress hormone called cortisol
this process helps our bodies kick into high

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gear to steer us out of a dangerous situation
the authors of scen say that when a teenager is

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in despair their amygdala is activated likewise
as adults our Amiga might be activated when we

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experience despair anytime our alert system is
activated it can be challenging to think clearly

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will and Chin way say that this activation of
the migdala creates two challenges number one

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is for the person in despair number two is for
the person trying to support them and I want to

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add some caution here the person in despair will
often unintentionally say things that are unkind

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this can create a challenge for them and others
around them for anyone around them trying to be

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supportive it is important to approach them with
empathy remember that their words may come from

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Despair and be mindful not to be triggered by what
they say be a good listener when trying to help

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support someone it can be challenging to sit and
actively listen with empathy if you have ever been

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placed in a room in close proximity to others
facing them it can be hard not to try and fill

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the awkward silence in the book will describes an
exercise where he had a mom and daughter face each

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other hold hands and lock eyes for 2 minutes will
describes the first minute as weird the daughter’s

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shoulders were tense and he describes them as in
a Shrugged position after 1 minute the daughter’s

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shoulders began to relax as the daughter began to
feel safe she started to open up if this exercise

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sounds odd I get it it illustrates what it can
often take to break the cycle of bad listening

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if we’re going to try to actively listen with
empathy if we’re going to try to be a good

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listener there are some things that we should
do one we should direct all of our focus on the

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other person two we should get the other person
talking three we should avoid trying to fix the

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situation will recommends three things talking
less watching your tone and making eye contact

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will talks about incorporating eye contact into
your day daily routine as parents here are some

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of Will’s examples on how to do that when your kid
walks into the room stop what you’re doing look

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at them and let them know you’re happy to see them
before they walk out the door in the morning pause

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look at them for 30 seconds and say I love you I
believe in you and no matter what I am for you at

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the dinner table look into their eyes as they talk
about their day when you see them off to bed or

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tuck them in at night make eye contact as you say
good night and offer encouragement some additional

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recommendations from will connect through touch
mirror what they say and avoid cliches first

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we’ll we’ll talk on connect through touch so
appropriate physical touch is one of the most

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powerful ways to connect with others when it comes
to appropriate physical touch it is important to

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pay attention to how the person is responding
if they seem uncomfortable it is time to adjust

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your approach next mirror what they say will
Begins the section by talking about a technique

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intended for couples from the book getting the
love you want by Harville Hendrick he says even

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though this material was meant for couples the
principles still apply when talking with kids or

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teenagers some examples of this could be what I
hear you saying is and then finish the sentence

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another example would be that sounds rough I can
understand how you might feel that way when your

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responses show that you’re seeking to understand
it shows the other person you are listening

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intently avoid cliches we all have them and tend
to use them in our Day phrases that we have come

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to depend on that help us describe our world while
it is fine to use them in many circumstances there

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are also appropriate times to leave them out
of the conversation when it comes to speaking

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to others about the challenges they are facing it
is a good idea to leave your cliches out of this

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conversation some examples of common cliches to
avoid how are you you’ll get over this everything

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happens for a reason why did this happen or why
do I feel this way you’ll get over this in no time

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or you’ll feel better soon you should see what I
have have to deal with this is no big deal don’t

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cry some of these may sound innocent enough but
when you think about how they come across from

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the point of view of someone that is hurting
and needing help they can seem insensitive so

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how are you could be not really specific enough
uh you’ll get over this seems to diminish the

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person’s feelings everything happens for a reason
is is very much a canned response and lack empathy

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for what the other person is going through um
asking why questions uh makes it really difficult

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because often there may not be a direct answer uh
insisting that people will get over this in time

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or they’re going to feel better soon that often
seems insensitive because you’re not acknowledging

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the pain they are feeling right now in the moment
you should see what I have to deal with is making

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it about you instead of about them and saying
this is no big deal is again diminishing what

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they are going through insisting that they don’t
cry is telling them not to feel the feelings they

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have so there is a reason that we use cliches
they fill the gaps and they help us to try and

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explain what we are going through or feeling they
help us describe our world the problem is is that

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they often will cause those hurting to feel unseen
which is the direct opposite of what we’re trying

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to do it it could make them feel like they are a
bother it also tends to diminish their feelings

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instead we should use words that communicate that
that we are listening with empathy it’s okay to

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experience silence sometimes the kindest thing
you can do is to be intentionally present with

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someone who is hurting we learned in a previous
chapter that one of the most important things

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we can do is to show up we combine this with
taking time to to authentically see them and

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what they’re experiencing and feeling and we do
our best to implement a lot of these techniques

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to just listen that’s all for this episode thank
you for watching if you like the video give us a

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