This week, we are learning how to just listen.
Anytime a teen or adult faces despair, there’s a good chance their amygdala is activated, making it difficult for them to think clearly. Often, they will unintentionally say something unkind to those around them.
An active amygdala creates two challenges:
- For the person in despair
- For the person lovingly supporting them.
Having the Words
For the person in despair, this creates huge challenges. First, there is the challenge of not having the right words to express how they feel or to describe what’s going on. Many people in this place do not know what they are feeling. They may describe themselves as numb or may feel a wide range of emotions.
Opening Up
On top of not having the right words, there is the challenge of opening up. For many people, they struggle to feel safe enough to share their most vulnerable thoughts and feelings. If or when they start to feel safe, they struggle with the right words to describe those emotions. This combination can create a vicious loop.
That is why it is important that friends and family members show up with empathy. Utilizing tools like the feelings wheel to help put words to their feelings.
Harsh Reactions
For anyone trying to lovingly support a friend or family member in despair, it can prove challenging not to let their unkind words trigger your own insecurity and guilt. You long to help, but their words hurt, and you may find yourself reacting harshly. Things quickly escalate and lead you to a place you never wanted to be.
Regardless of which challenges you face, the truth is that both groups need each other. Those facing despair need others to help them find hope, healing, and ways to process the emotions they are experiencing. Friends, family, and other caring adults long for the best possible outcome for those in despair. Below are some practical exercises to increase connection, helping both groups move forward.
Discussion:
- Practice “Tell me more” statements.
A “Tell me more” mindset allows the other person a safe place to speak, reveals that you are interested in what they have to say, and allows them to emotionally exhale.
- Practice active listening.
Some examples could be:
”So, what you are saying is …”
“I can understand how you would feel that way!”
”I can imagine you might feel ….”
- Practice eye contact and appropriate physical touch
Being a good listener is tough. When listening, try increasing eye contact. Use physical touch when appropriate.
The brain responds in predictable ways through healthy attachment. Eye contact and appropriate physical touch can reassure a kid or teen who is in despair that they are safe.
What does appropriate physical touch look like?
For a parent:
This could look like a hug, touching their arm, or holding their hands.
For a caring adult:
The same level of physical touch is not appropriate for caring adults. However, there are ways to utilize physical touch while remaining appropriate.
A touch on the shoulder or hug are great examples, but all physical touch must be given with consent and should be in public in the presence of other adults.
